conning: (NealC 086)
Neal Caffrey ([personal profile] conning) wrote 2023-07-28 06:52 pm (UTC)

"I don't know why I can't." He sets his mug down, bracing his hands against the island counter and staring at nothing in particular on its surface. "It's not just you. I look at Norton and I wonder when he's going to get bored, I look at Eiffel and I wonder when he'll realize how much of a pain in the ass I can be, I look at Shaw and I wonder when she'll figure out that no matter how much she drills me and how good I get at shooting life-like targets I still don't know if I can pull the trigger on another person, a real person, when they're in front of me. When she'll get tired of trying to help me be less..."

A short, aborted gesture. He glances at Malcolm sideways and then looks down again. "Lestat I'm already scared I've lost, Reid won't be interested when Lestat isn't any more, Kiryu will lose patience when he realizes I'm not half as smart as he seems to think. Not in the ways he seems to think."

The only person Neal isn't afraid of losing, he realizes, is Raylan, and that's because they've defined themselves to each other in such clear terms. Two people with commitments they can't leave behind, sharing a space that lets them both be really honest. "I look at you and I just... I'm waiting for you to have to choose between me and Will and knowing already which way those chips will fall, and it makes me want to run."

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