Hakkai's gaze slides over to Neal for a moment, considering his expression in turn now that he's looking away.
"Once you've broken," he says at last, quietly, "you'll always know where the cracks are. You will always be the person who shot me in front of my shattered lover so I couldn't stop you from ordering him to hurt himself."
There's no anger in his voice, but there is a certain deliberate tone. Neal may not like what he's capable of. Hakkai doesn't like what he's capable of, either, but not liking it did not make Hakkai's hands any cleaner. It doesn't absolve Neal.
But he's spent a long time learning to live with the knowledge of who he is, too.
"Knowing what you're capable of - knowing where the cracks are... that can help you learn how not to do things you will be ashamed of in the future.
"It helped me. It does take time. But don't let yourself pretend the man holding the gun was a different, worse you, someone who you can kill in yourself and be free of after."
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"Once you've broken," he says at last, quietly, "you'll always know where the cracks are. You will always be the person who shot me in front of my shattered lover so I couldn't stop you from ordering him to hurt himself."
There's no anger in his voice, but there is a certain deliberate tone. Neal may not like what he's capable of. Hakkai doesn't like what he's capable of, either, but not liking it did not make Hakkai's hands any cleaner. It doesn't absolve Neal.
But he's spent a long time learning to live with the knowledge of who he is, too.
"Knowing what you're capable of - knowing where the cracks are... that can help you learn how not to do things you will be ashamed of in the future.
"It helped me. It does take time. But don't let yourself pretend the man holding the gun was a different, worse you, someone who you can kill in yourself and be free of after."