Neal meets his eyes, and something small and soft in him retreats behind an iron wall that's newish, but not unfamiliar.

"If you want me to be crushed by what I did, devastated that I'm capable of it, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but it's not going to happen." His tone is calm, neutral, and equally deliberate. "I know I am that man. I've been less violent versions of that man in the past. I've made his acquaintance more closely than I'd like while I've been here."

A pause, but not enough of one for Hakkai to speak unless he tries to talk over what Neal says next. "I am truly sorry for what I did. I don't hate myself for having done it, and I don't know why, but given how long I've hated myself for so many things that weren't my fault, I can't be ashamed of that, either. I am going to apologize to Jedao. And I am sorry for what I did to you. Both physically and... emotionally. But I don't hate myself for doing what anyone on board is equally capable of in the wrong circumstances."