Neal closes his eyes, shoulders dropping a little as his point, what he was trying to say, glances past as a slap to Hakkai's psyche.

"That isn't what I meant to do. And I'm sorry that I didn't communicate that clearly. I was... trying to explain-- It doesn't matter, really. It doesn't."

He sets his still-half-full glass on the table. "I am sorry. I do feel bad. I don't hate myself, which is a strange enough change in me that I didn't... really register that bringing it up here would be unproductive. I'm not trying to push weakness anywhere, I'm not trying to dismiss your hurt, I'm not trying to prioritize my own."

And that's a part of why he needs to leave. Because no matter what he says, it's never the right thing, and he's tired of causing pain just trying to be understood.

"I am sorry, Hakkai. I am sorry for hurting you, for hurting him, and I'm going to do whatever I can to help... alleviate it. Including shutting the fuck up, if that's what's necessary. I thought we were having a discussion. I thought we were..."

Another deep breath, but he doesn't let it out in a rush. He doesn't want to sound like he's sighing his way through this fresh wave of anxiety and tiredness. "I misunderstood the conversation we were having. And I'm sorry for that, too."