It wasn’t a suicide. That I didn’t fight was acceptance, not welcoming the sweet embrace of death that doesn’t stick. I can’t fight, I have no superhuman ability to defend myself. So fuck you, fuck his warden, fuck everyone on this boat.
[The way his voice cracks is less because of his sore throat than because of the rising emotion.
[ The tone shift might surprise him; it's not amusement or mockery. Instead, there's a wince and a sigh. ]
Ah. My apologies, then. I genuinely thought you were looking for death, given who you decided to needle. I would have distracted him. I usually can if I'm there.
I was going to ask you if it helped being here, dying I mean, but given my mistake, I can certainly accept the 'fuck you' and let you rest.
[There's a long silence from Neal's end, prompted by surprise. Surprise, and the herculean effort of shifting tracks from helpless fury to something else.]
I don't know him. That was the first time we ever actually spoke, and the first thing he did was try to use whatever my warden told him against us both.
I assume he learned that technique from Herr Bright.
...which is not what I really should say but restraint isn't exactly what's being encouraged at the moment. Then again, it's entirely possible that is what he was copying; he can be surprisingly petty when you least expect it.
You've both been here longer than I have and I know he killed people when he first arrived. I thought you knew. That is my mistake.
As a matter of fact, I do my best not to read into things. Hence why I asked up on the deck; I only made a guess once it seemed as if you had no desire to really answer. It's an injury I view fully as a debt to you.
I've spent my life having things assumed about me. It's one of my least favorite behaviors.
[A breath out.]
I died and came here content with my own end. I've felt most of my life that death, the desire for an end, a longing for destruction is almost inherent to the world.
I know dying here does no good, but I had wondered if you felt the same. And if dying, for all it's liminality, had provided any relief.
…We have that particular pet peeve in common, I guess.
[He’s quiet for a while, but the occasional cleared throat makes it obvious he’s still on the line. Just… thinking.]
There’s always another way.
[The words are soft enough to be hard to hear. He raises his voice a little.] I believed that. I do believe it. I never understood why anyone would want to die. It confused me.
[Another long pause.] Until… it didn’t. Until I came here, and I just wanted so badly to stop hearing the noise in my own head that I jumped over the side.
[A half-laugh.] It sort of worked, for about a week. And then I was back here, and I realized what kind of hell we’re really in.
[A soft, tired sigh.] Long-winded way around to saying, no. Death isn’t a relief here. It’s tiring, and messy, and upsets everyone, and you actually have to be around to deal with that part.
Should you require any book, movies, or music during your recovery, please don't hesitate to ask. I'd be happy to bring them for you, or anything else for that matter.
[A long, heavy pause. When he continues, it's softly.]
Yes, you must. You haven't told me anything about where you're from yet. I'm holding you to that.
[Another pause.]
I still believe there's always another way. If I thought I had a snowball's chance, if I didn't know I'd come back, I would have fought. Life's the only thing we're ever actually given without strings. The universe doesn't care what you do with it, it's just there, with the help of chaos theory and a little luck.
Far more than a snowball's chance. Hallankind he might be, but he's been bested by a human before. My presence here is evidence of that.
Anything and anyone can be taken down if you have the drive to make it happen, Herr Caffrey.
[ There's no cruelty to his words but there's the very distinct feeling that he has lived that truth. ]
As for where I come from, I do have a few books that came with my rooms. I would not mind bringing them by for you, or even passing them to Herr Bright.
Given that I've watched you be murdered at this point, I think we might be able to go to Florian and Neal, unless you object. And I certainly can agree with your point.
Where is his cabin anyway? He's largely Johann's friend and thus, I've never visited.
Third floor, room seven. [Wait, should he have done that? Shit. It’s not like Florian couldn’t find out some other way.] …Do me a favor and don’t bring your shadow.
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[The way his voice cracks is less because of his sore throat than because of the rising emotion.
He reins in.]
What do you want?
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Ah. My apologies, then. I genuinely thought you were looking for death, given who you decided to needle. I would have distracted him. I usually can if I'm there.
I was going to ask you if it helped being here, dying I mean, but given my mistake, I can certainly accept the 'fuck you' and let you rest.
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I don't know him. That was the first time we ever actually spoke, and the first thing he did was try to use whatever my warden told him against us both.
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...which is not what I really should say but restraint isn't exactly what's being encouraged at the moment. Then again, it's entirely possible that is what he was copying; he can be surprisingly petty when you least expect it.
You've both been here longer than I have and I know he killed people when he first arrived. I thought you knew. That is my mistake.
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True enough. I'm sure it will get to be hard to keep track of soon enough. Even just this week.
That said, you should probably rest your throat. I didn't actually believe you'd answer this so quickly.
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Why did you call? And before you read into it, since everyone is reading into everything, I am really just asking that.
Cw suicidal ideation
I've spent my life having things assumed about me. It's one of my least favorite behaviors.
[A breath out.]
I died and came here content with my own end. I've felt most of my life that death, the desire for an end, a longing for destruction is almost inherent to the world.
I know dying here does no good, but I had wondered if you felt the same. And if dying, for all it's liminality, had provided any relief.
Cw suicidal ideation/mention of attempt
[He’s quiet for a while, but the occasional cleared throat makes it obvious he’s still on the line. Just… thinking.]
There’s always another way.
[The words are soft enough to be hard to hear. He raises his voice a little.] I believed that. I do believe it. I never understood why anyone would want to die. It confused me.
[Another long pause.] Until… it didn’t. Until I came here, and I just wanted so badly to stop hearing the noise in my own head that I jumped over the side.
[A half-laugh.] It sort of worked, for about a week. And then I was back here, and I realized what kind of hell we’re really in.
[A soft, tired sigh.] Long-winded way around to saying, no. Death isn’t a relief here. It’s tiring, and messy, and upsets everyone, and you actually have to be around to deal with that part.
[…which, put that way, prompts a small chuckle.]
Re: Cw suicidal ideation/mention of attempt
Thank you, Herr Caffrey.
...then I suppose I really must stay alive then.
[ Only a soft sigh before he moves on. ]
Should you require any book, movies, or music during your recovery, please don't hesitate to ask. I'd be happy to bring them for you, or anything else for that matter.
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Yes, you must. You haven't told me anything about where you're from yet. I'm holding you to that.
[Another pause.]
I still believe there's always another way. If I thought I had a snowball's chance, if I didn't know I'd come back, I would have fought. Life's the only thing we're ever actually given without strings. The universe doesn't care what you do with it, it's just there, with the help of chaos theory and a little luck.
[A sharp exhale.]
Thanks.
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Anything and anyone can be taken down if you have the drive to make it happen, Herr Caffrey.
[ There's no cruelty to his words but there's the very distinct feeling that he has lived that truth. ]
As for where I come from, I do have a few books that came with my rooms. I would not mind bringing them by for you, or even passing them to Herr Bright.
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I'm... in Malcolm's cabin at the moment, actually. It's where he brought me to get revived. He wanted to be able to make sure I was recovering.
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Where is his cabin anyway? He's largely Johann's friend and thus, I've never visited.
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I only meant to assure you, Herr Caffrey, I hardly expect sympathy for him.