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[conning]

"It's Caffrey. Remember the value of plausible deniability. I'll get back to you."

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[conning]

Weird. Very weird. Neal fills their mugs and offers Malcolm his.

“So… when…?”

[abrightboy]

"Oh, right." He takes a sip of the tea and smiles gratefully at Neal for it. "Um, he called me the other day and he asked if I decided and I told him I was pretty sure I wanted to do it and he said well come over and we'll do it." He shrugs. "I guess I didn't really see the point of vascillating anymore. So I went."

[conning]

He manages to finish his sip of tea without choking or stopping himself. “…The other day?”

[abrightboy]

Malcolm thinks about it.

"Time is weird because we went on the hunting trip but Iris' space ship is a time ship." He pauses thoughtfully. "Yesterday. I think it was yesterday."

[conning]

"Oh." It's understandable, really. He turned into a wolf, then he went hunting, then he had to turn back and was probably tired. It makes sense. And he did call today. "So what happens now?"

[abrightboy]

“What do you mean?” Malcolm asks, picking up his tea for another sip.

[conning]

“I think I mean… what do you want to do with it? And. How do you want to tell people?”

There’s a hitch of a moment where he almost doesn’t say the next part, but he manages. “I assume Will knows.”

[abrightboy]

“Oh. I don’t know. I’m supposed to train some more with Lark on it.” He smiles hopefully at the question about Will. Like maybe Neal is coming around to him. “Oh, yeah. He came with me.”

[conning]

"He--" Oh. Neal closes his mouth. Opens it, looks for something to say, closes it again. Looks at his tea. "Oh."

[abrightboy]

Malcolm’s expression falls a little. Neal didn’t like that and he’s not sure if it’s just because it’s Will, even though he brought him up.

“They don’t normally allow it, but I guess Lark knows about Will and dogs. He made him promise not to speak or interfere, though. No matter how much he wanted to.”

[conning]

But he was there. He was there, Malcolm wanted him there, enough that Lark made an exception to a rule that was already stupid if none of this was really about isolating Malcolm.

Neal nods and drinks too much of his still too hot tea to give himself an excuse for silence.

[abrightboy]

"You're upset," Malcolm observes quietly, fidgeting with his own mug.

[conning]

“No, it’s nothing, it’s just—” He fiddles with his mug, not looking up enough to notice Malcolm doing the same thing. “It would have been nice, to be there.”

[abrightboy]

"I wish it was the sort of thing I could have had all my closest friends at. Like you would at a wedding or... or a birthday. I would have liked that. If you were there. And Raylan. And Francis. It would have been less scary. Lark says if your loved ones come, someone always wants to stop it when the pain starts."

He looks down.

"Are you mad?"

[conning]

His temper flares, though mercifully it’s not toward Malcolm. “Lark isn’t the captain of this ship or the only one this impacts. Lark doesn’t get to dictate that kind of thing when he doesn’t have the right to piss on every door and call it his.”

Neal takes a breath and looks away. “I’m not mad at you.”

[abrightboy]

Malcolm watches his face for a moment.

"You wouldn't want to stop it when I was in pain?" he asks.

[conning]

"Of course I would," Neal says softly. "And I also understand when pain is a worthwhile necessity when you're trying to get something you want."

[abrightboy]

"Lark didn't.... it wasn't about excluding people. He was trying to make it as safe as possible, that's all. But. I called you as soon as I was feeling better. I wanted to share it with you. I want you to know that," Malcolm tells him. "I do. That matters, right?"

[conning]

"Yes it was," Neal says, tone sharper than he wants it to be. "It's always been about excluding people or he wouldn't be so selective about who gets the offer. It's always been about separation or he wouldn't be so determined to make sure people know they're not a part of his pack."

He forces himself to take another breath. "It does matter. It does."

[abrightboy]

Malcolm flinches slightly at the first sharp retort, but then his expression softens.

"You're still part of me. Part of my life. I'd never let anyone change that. The only one that can do that is you. And. It would take some effort." As he hopes he's demonstrated. "You're my family by choice. It's the most important kind."

[conning]

Neal wants to believe him. He really, really wants to believe him. He can't manage to get himself around the mental roadblock of not being one of the ones who was present, one of the ones Malcolm picked when he couldn't have everyone. He can't stop wondering what he might have done to increase his relative value enough to have passed that threshold. How much it's going to take for him to fall lower in the ranks of consideration. He needs to say something before Malcolm figures out exactly how weak he is.

"I know." It's too quiet. He clears his throat. "It's fine, I'll be fine."

[abrightboy]

He wishes he couldn't tell that Neal doesn't believe him.

He looks like he's going to say something and then doesn't. He pushes the cheese tray towards him.

"The brie is really nice with apples," he offers.

[conning]

When he first got to the Barge, Neal would have noticed that moment and let it go. Saved himself from whatever Malcolm was about to say, duck, run, hide.

Now he picks up an apple slice and a bit of brie and clears his throat quietly. "What?"

[abrightboy]

"It's just... it's not fine. I can see that. I just don't know how to fix it. I guess I don't... really know which part is the problem or.... I think you don't believe me. You don't believe me about you," Malcolm says. "Or about Lark."

[conning]

Neal flounders, reaching for an answer that helps, that changes things.

“I want to believe you.” That does neither one, really. “I don’t know why I can’t. I know it hurts you.”