[A blink as he realizes that is an important baseline to establish.] I'll answer that, but I want to step back and clarify one point first--the post you made before, I don't remember, but did it also focus on a single incident as example of the trend?
But more importantly, that's context again. You went for specifics first. I'm going to assume it was an incident that involved Lestat--which means in context, it could again be taken as an accusation. You want to talk about reformation, genuine change, in a place this emotionally charged, you can't start specific.
[His tone trends toward dry again.] You have to get people to agree that things need to change, and then you bring up the specifics as generally as possible. They've already agreed at that point--it's a lot harder to say 'you're just mad about this' when they're conditionally on your side.
[Teasingly:] My experience would indicate it usually comes up around issues of self-worth, but I may also not have factored in the context of who is saying it.
I'm not trying to deflect. It's important to me that you know you're not hurting me and that I'm not hurting myself.
I'm too analytical and not emotional enough about any of this. That's a me problem. They're too emotional and not analytical enough, which is a them problem, I guess, but emotion-based responses are prized here way more than analytical ones are, so it's on me to adjust. It's frustrating; I'm frustrated. But I'm not-- I don't expect it to be fair.
I wish it was. [That's soft and sincere.] Maybe you wouldn't spend as much time preoccupied with whether or not people care more about the manner in which you feel than the person you choose to be. It would be a lot easier on you. You and Malcolm both.
Bright is one of the people I struggle with over this the most, because he does expect it to be fair. And that pisses me off. I get the frustration and the discouragement; I hate the conviction that he should be allowed to move through the world however he wants and damn the consequences.
I don't get the point of opining over what could be; that's the kind of thing that keeps people from making progress. Isn't it better to learn to work with what you've got and move from there?
...I don't think we've had or heard the same conversations, with Malcolm. Because he doesn't expect it to be fair, he never has--he just stopped caring where he was from because no matter what he did, it was wrong in the eyes of everyone around him. What was the point of trying to adjust when the adjustments never worked? Here, he's in the process of figuring out how himself he can be or wants to be in any given situation without resulting emotional consequences. That's a process in itself.
[A pause.] Shaw. Why are you on the Barge? I'm not asking because I don't think you should be. I'm glad you are. I'm lucky you are.
I know we haven't had the same conversations with Malcolm. And I'm here to get a deal, and to make sure that Graham gets his life back. And to make sure that Root gets her life back too, now.
You're here to change something. Several somethings. That starts with opining over what could be.
This is the first time in his life Malcolm has had anyone tell him that who he is is okay. Who he is right now is worth knowing, worth caring about. The person everyone else in his life has always looked at as broken.
Your emotional settings might be turn to the low end of the expression spectrum, but his are at the other extreme. He's opened his internal pandora's box, he's given himself the possibility that the people who love him here are right and that he doesn't have to fix anything to be worth caring about. Imperfect analogy it might be, but everything ugly and unsure is coming out right now--he doesn't know how to be himself and make others comfortable, because he's only ever tried to do one or the other. He has to figure out who he is before anything beautiful in anyone else's eyes can get free. I don't think he's right. I also don't think he's wrong. And I think you're biased.
Bright has crossed lines with me, personally, half a dozen times, but the thing that gets you up in arms isn't how he treats people, it's me using some wording with him that's a little harsh. If that's not the definition of biased, I don't know what is.
You get that I'm not arguing that change is impossible or pointless, right? I'm saying talking about how things should be different and then not doing a damn thing to change your situation is pointless.
Shaw, just because you've never been privy to the conversations like this that I've had with him, please don't assume there haven't been any. [That is... surprisingly terse. Even to him.
A beat.] Same scenario--how do you know he's doing nothing? That he's gone too far with you--which I'm not saying is okay--doesn't mean he's not trying. It means his attempts aren't working between the two of you, which at some point requires either a step back from both of you or a mediator to try and see where crossed wires are turning into crossed lines, if you're invested enough to do that.
You don't have to be. If your efforts to do what you think is helpful actively put you in the line of fire, you don't have to be the one doing it. That doesn't mean you've forsaken some duty or failed or just haven't tried hard enough. Sometimes people don't get along and there's no amount of adjustment on either end that will change it. Keep as much distance as you're able to, get another chaperone for situations where Will and Malcolm are together and you feel Will or both of them need it. You don't need to be his friend. And he isn't your inmate.
So work with him. And get someone who can work with both of you to help. You don't have to like or even desire to like each other. But it seems like the more you try the more confused he gets and the more confused he gets the more he digs his heels in on the things that irritated you in the first place.
Sure, Graham's offered, so I guess that might happen at some point. But even though he's willing, I'm not sure Graham is the best person for the job. I'm game for trying, but I don't know how it's gonna go.
Because I defend him while everyone else shits on him and keep my reprimands to private spaces where I think they'll do the most good? [Well now he's downright cross.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Okay, wait, first thing's first - when I say I get that I'm the problem and the outlier here, why do you think I'm saying that.
no subject
no subject
no subject
But more importantly, that's context again. You went for specifics first. I'm going to assume it was an incident that involved Lestat--which means in context, it could again be taken as an accusation. You want to talk about reformation, genuine change, in a place this emotionally charged, you can't start specific.
[His tone trends toward dry again.] You have to get people to agree that things need to change, and then you bring up the specifics as generally as possible. They've already agreed at that point--it's a lot harder to say 'you're just mad about this' when they're conditionally on your side.
no subject
That's your tactic with the bathroom thing?
no subject
no subject
So, my question--?
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
I'm too analytical and not emotional enough about any of this. That's a me problem. They're too emotional and not analytical enough, which is a them problem, I guess, but emotion-based responses are prized here way more than analytical ones are, so it's on me to adjust. It's frustrating; I'm frustrated. But I'm not-- I don't expect it to be fair.
no subject
no subject
I don't get the point of opining over what could be; that's the kind of thing that keeps people from making progress. Isn't it better to learn to work with what you've got and move from there?
no subject
[A pause.] Shaw. Why are you on the Barge? I'm not asking because I don't think you should be. I'm glad you are. I'm lucky you are.
no subject
no subject
This is the first time in his life Malcolm has had anyone tell him that who he is is okay. Who he is right now is worth knowing, worth caring about. The person everyone else in his life has always looked at as broken.
Your emotional settings might be turn to the low end of the expression spectrum, but his are at the other extreme. He's opened his internal pandora's box, he's given himself the possibility that the people who love him here are right and that he doesn't have to fix anything to be worth caring about. Imperfect analogy it might be, but everything ugly and unsure is coming out right now--he doesn't know how to be himself and make others comfortable, because he's only ever tried to do one or the other. He has to figure out who he is before anything beautiful in anyone else's eyes can get free. I don't think he's right. I also don't think he's wrong. And I think you're biased.
no subject
Bright has crossed lines with me, personally, half a dozen times, but the thing that gets you up in arms isn't how he treats people, it's me using some wording with him that's a little harsh. If that's not the definition of biased, I don't know what is.
You get that I'm not arguing that change is impossible or pointless, right? I'm saying talking about how things should be different and then not doing a damn thing to change your situation is pointless.
no subject
A beat.] Same scenario--how do you know he's doing nothing? That he's gone too far with you--which I'm not saying is okay--doesn't mean he's not trying. It means his attempts aren't working between the two of you, which at some point requires either a step back from both of you or a mediator to try and see where crossed wires are turning into crossed lines, if you're invested enough to do that.
You don't have to be. If your efforts to do what you think is helpful actively put you in the line of fire, you don't have to be the one doing it. That doesn't mean you've forsaken some duty or failed or just haven't tried hard enough. Sometimes people don't get along and there's no amount of adjustment on either end that will change it. Keep as much distance as you're able to, get another chaperone for situations where Will and Malcolm are together and you feel Will or both of them need it. You don't need to be his friend. And he isn't your inmate.
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
Look, like I said, I'm not against trying. But do you get why I think you're biased?
no subject
no subject
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)