conning | TLV IC Contact Post

[Still dry:] No, that was me bringing my issues with supermax to a situation where not everyone associates 'communal bathroom' with a cattle call.

I associate it with military bases. Probably why I still don't get what the big deal is.

So, my question--?

[Teasingly:] My experience would indicate it usually comes up around issues of self-worth, but I may also not have factored in the context of who is saying it.

Yeah, I figured as much when you started reassuring me. I'm... trying to make a situational observation, not a value judgement about myself.

The rest of the metaphor still holds.

I'm not trying to deflect. It's important to me that you know you're not hurting me and that I'm not hurting myself.

I'm too analytical and not emotional enough about any of this. That's a me problem. They're too emotional and not analytical enough, which is a them problem, I guess, but emotion-based responses are prized here way more than analytical ones are, so it's on me to adjust. It's frustrating; I'm frustrated. But I'm not-- I don't expect it to be fair.

I wish it was. [That's soft and sincere.] Maybe you wouldn't spend as much time preoccupied with whether or not people care more about the manner in which you feel than the person you choose to be. It would be a lot easier on you. You and Malcolm both.

Bright is one of the people I struggle with over this the most, because he does expect it to be fair. And that pisses me off. I get the frustration and the discouragement; I hate the conviction that he should be allowed to move through the world however he wants and damn the consequences.

I don't get the point of opining over what could be; that's the kind of thing that keeps people from making progress. Isn't it better to learn to work with what you've got and move from there?

...I don't think we've had or heard the same conversations, with Malcolm. Because he doesn't expect it to be fair, he never has--he just stopped caring where he was from because no matter what he did, it was wrong in the eyes of everyone around him. What was the point of trying to adjust when the adjustments never worked? Here, he's in the process of figuring out how himself he can be or wants to be in any given situation without resulting emotional consequences. That's a process in itself.

[A pause.] Shaw. Why are you on the Barge? I'm not asking because I don't think you should be. I'm glad you are. I'm lucky you are.

I know we haven't had the same conversations with Malcolm. And I'm here to get a deal, and to make sure that Graham gets his life back. And to make sure that Root gets her life back too, now.

You're here to change something. Several somethings. That starts with opining over what could be.

This is the first time in his life Malcolm has had anyone tell him that who he is is okay. Who he is right now is worth knowing, worth caring about. The person everyone else in his life has always looked at as broken.

Your emotional settings might be turn to the low end of the expression spectrum, but his are at the other extreme. He's opened his internal pandora's box, he's given himself the possibility that the people who love him here are right and that he doesn't have to fix anything to be worth caring about. Imperfect analogy it might be, but everything ugly and unsure is coming out right now--he doesn't know how to be himself and make others comfortable, because he's only ever tried to do one or the other. He has to figure out who he is before anything beautiful in anyone else's eyes can get free. I don't think he's right. I also don't think he's wrong. And I think you're biased.

Caffrey--

Bright has crossed lines with me, personally, half a dozen times, but the thing that gets you up in arms isn't how he treats people, it's me using some wording with him that's a little harsh. If that's not the definition of biased, I don't know what is.

You get that I'm not arguing that change is impossible or pointless, right? I'm saying talking about how things should be different and then not doing a damn thing to change your situation is pointless.

Shaw, just because you've never been privy to the conversations like this that I've had with him, please don't assume there haven't been any. [That is... surprisingly terse. Even to him.

A beat.] Same scenario--how do you know he's doing nothing? That he's gone too far with you--which I'm not saying is okay--doesn't mean he's not trying. It means his attempts aren't working between the two of you, which at some point requires either a step back from both of you or a mediator to try and see where crossed wires are turning into crossed lines, if you're invested enough to do that.

You don't have to be. If your efforts to do what you think is helpful actively put you in the line of fire, you don't have to be the one doing it. That doesn't mean you've forsaken some duty or failed or just haven't tried hard enough. Sometimes people don't get along and there's no amount of adjustment on either end that will change it. Keep as much distance as you're able to, get another chaperone for situations where Will and Malcolm are together and you feel Will or both of them need it. You don't need to be his friend. And he isn't your inmate.

I've given up, like, twice, but I keep trying again. Because yeah, I want to be able to work with him.

So work with him. And get someone who can work with both of you to help. You don't have to like or even desire to like each other. But it seems like the more you try the more confused he gets and the more confused he gets the more he digs his heels in on the things that irritated you in the first place.

Sure, Graham's offered, so I guess that might happen at some point. But even though he's willing, I'm not sure Graham is the best person for the job. I'm game for trying, but I don't know how it's gonna go.

Then don't have Graham. Have me. Or someone else you trust to be objective, about both of you.

Edited 2023-10-11 03:03 (UTC)

Uh--

Look, like I said, I'm not against trying. But do you get why I think you're biased?

Because I defend him while everyone else shits on him and keep my reprimands to private spaces where I think they'll do the most good? [Well now he's downright cross.]

Because he hurts and alienates people left and right, and you care more about people responding badly and "shitting on him" than you do about that.

[A long, shocked pause.]

Excuse me?

I'm not saying I don't get it. People get protective and defensive of their friends; it's not-- I'm not meaning to imply it's a personal failing.

So. Because you haven't seen me respond to the way he treats people. You assume I don't. But because I try to defend him publicly when half the barge wouldn't piss on him if he was a flambé, because that's all you've seen me do, you assume that's all I do.

You say I talk like a lawyer and a politician and then you make it abundantly clear why politicians do everything in front of a camera in the first place. You can't be unbiased if the world hasn't seen you be unbiased, right?

[There's a pause of a minute or so before she answers.]

I did kinda assume you didn't, yeah. But I believe you when you said you do. I still think it's telling that other people being pissed off at him is where the biggest, most emotional part of your concern is, though.

You're a passionate person, you have a big heart, and you care deeply about your friends. Losing sight of objectivity is inevitable.

[He doesn't give it a minute. He knows he should. He's been working on that. But he doesn't.]

Well, good to know you have it all figured out.

[...and he hangs up.]

Edited 2023-10-11 03:28 (UTC)

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