"Maybe," Hakkai grants, quietly. "But it wasn't the first time he's been responsible for the death of someone he loved, either. It's just... it just hurts. Regardless of how much anyone understands, it just hurts for a while.
"So I suppose what I'm saying is, you can ask him, but if he can't hear you yet it doesn't necessarily mean your apology wasn't good enough or he hates you in particular."
He glances up at Neal at last, letting the corner of his mouth tug wryly up in something a little like a smile. "Not any more than it means you really think I'm a murderous monster, just because you can't stop being on guard for the moment I'll lunge for your throat. Thank you for... being willing to understand why that stings. Not everyone would have listened."
He tips the used tea leaves out into their little jar, steam curling up from the tap as the sink water warms and his hands move automatically to wash the teapot clean. Over the rush of water, he adds, almost apologetically, "...When you threw up. It was because you don't like to see someone hurt, wasn't it? Not because Jedao bleeds black and won't die from a knife through his neck?"
Because it might help Jedao, to hear that Neal wasn't disgusted by his body, but Hakkai does want to make sure that's actually true, first. He's never quite sure about humans.
There's a confused moment where he has to remind himself what Hakkai is even talking about, with Jedao's blood.
"The-- Jesus, no, it wasn't because of the way he bled, it was me realizing... me seeing him do that to himself and knowing it was my fault, that I wanted it to happen, even for a minute."
"You should tell him that," Hakkai says, turns off the water, and sets the pot upside down in the sink to drip dry. The click of ceramic is loud in the sudden quiet. "He's more used to that kind of reaction to his body than that kind of reaction to violence, so I think he did... assume."
And that, unlike everything else in this mess, is straightforward enough that Hakkai thinks saying it can't do anything but help.
"I am... notoriously bad at violence. At home, anyway. And amongst my friends." A soft, ironic smile. He shakes his head.
"No, it wasn't his body. I'm mercifully well past dramatic reactions to differences in anatomy."
He pauses, starts to speak, hesitates again, and then commits. "I am sorry for hurting you. Both because of what I did to you and to Jedao, but also because of... the way our particular issues seem to align. I'll work on it. It's not you. It's going to take me time, but if something I do in conversation ever hurts for that reason--please tell me, if you can. Because I promise it's not you, and I'll say it as many times as you need to hear it."
"I guessed as much," Hakkai murmurs. "You don't have the air of someone -- comfortable with violence." Which Jedao, he's sure, can spot as well as Hakkai, but expectations get in the way of observations.
It's harder, to answer Neal's other offer, and he hesitates for a long time before he speaks. Still, even hesitating, he doesn't look away; his gaze lingers thoughtfully on Neal's face.
At last, he says, "I'll tell you. Or remind you, at least; but I think hearing it once will do for a while. I'm not so sensitive usually. It's just--" His smile is small, and a little bitter, but genuine; he shrugs. "It's been a long week."
Neal's smile is pained at best. "Had a few of those myself. I'm going to... wait, to talk to him, until I see him out and about again. Jedao. I don't want to push an apology on him when he's not ready to be around people at all. Are you usually... with him? In his cabin? If I were to stop by later?"
"Our cabin," Hakkai admits with another little hitch of one shoulder. "We've lived together these last six months. So -- yes, unless I'm working, you'll find me there."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
"So I suppose what I'm saying is, you can ask him, but if he can't hear you yet it doesn't necessarily mean your apology wasn't good enough or he hates you in particular."
He glances up at Neal at last, letting the corner of his mouth tug wryly up in something a little like a smile. "Not any more than it means you really think I'm a murderous monster, just because you can't stop being on guard for the moment I'll lunge for your throat. Thank you for... being willing to understand why that stings. Not everyone would have listened."
He tips the used tea leaves out into their little jar, steam curling up from the tap as the sink water warms and his hands move automatically to wash the teapot clean. Over the rush of water, he adds, almost apologetically, "...When you threw up. It was because you don't like to see someone hurt, wasn't it? Not because Jedao bleeds black and won't die from a knife through his neck?"
Because it might help Jedao, to hear that Neal wasn't disgusted by his body, but Hakkai does want to make sure that's actually true, first. He's never quite sure about humans.
no subject
"The-- Jesus, no, it wasn't because of the way he bled, it was me realizing... me seeing him do that to himself and knowing it was my fault, that I wanted it to happen, even for a minute."
no subject
And that, unlike everything else in this mess, is straightforward enough that Hakkai thinks saying it can't do anything but help.
no subject
"No, it wasn't his body. I'm mercifully well past dramatic reactions to differences in anatomy."
He pauses, starts to speak, hesitates again, and then commits. "I am sorry for hurting you. Both because of what I did to you and to Jedao, but also because of... the way our particular issues seem to align. I'll work on it. It's not you. It's going to take me time, but if something I do in conversation ever hurts for that reason--please tell me, if you can. Because I promise it's not you, and I'll say it as many times as you need to hear it."
no subject
It's harder, to answer Neal's other offer, and he hesitates for a long time before he speaks. Still, even hesitating, he doesn't look away; his gaze lingers thoughtfully on Neal's face.
At last, he says, "I'll tell you. Or remind you, at least; but I think hearing it once will do for a while. I'm not so sensitive usually. It's just--" His smile is small, and a little bitter, but genuine; he shrugs. "It's been a long week."
no subject
no subject