Oh, well, now he's beaming. "Really? That's--I didn't know if he would. I hoped he would, when he says he's going to do something he does it, but he's also stubborn enough to frustrate me sometimes."
“Yeah, he… didn’t at first. He didn’t see what the big deal was. But I just… explained and it was like a lightswitch flipped and then he did,” Malcolm says. He pauses, distracted, then points at the canvas. “Did you start it over?”
He doesn't know if it's a good thing or not, that he's so relieved the conversation turns away from the attempt at an original and toward something more important.
"...Why, did he accuse you of gross negligence of your responsibilities again and then add that he could have phrased it better, or just say 'I'm sorry you felt that way'?"
“Well… he showed up at my office, saying he wished he heard me out. I said I wished he had too, because it wasn’t a good day. I was very careful to stay calm and reasonable. Then he said he’d been prioritizing Will, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t a priority. …’I’m sorry, but’ came a bit later in the conversation. Basically, he told me that if Shaw felt pressured, I had to acknowledge that something I was doing did that to her. I also softened what Will did because my emotions run me in a way that would get me killed in his world… oh, and then he fired me as his counsellor and told me that he hopes I get help because I need it more than he does. Plus he still wouldn’t tell me what Will said, because apparently his impression was cumulative from various things Will said.” He looks up at Neal. “That’s probably fine, right? Being done? It’s just stupid because our sessions went really well before Shaw became his new best friend.”
"...It's fine," Neal says, voice flat. He pours them each some tea, his voice starting as a mutter and rapidly climbing. Not in volume, really, he very very rarely shouts as Malcolm well knows, but the intensity is unmistakable.
"Arrogant, self-righteous, demeaning son of a-- Wouldn't survive in his-- I swear, 80% of this ship has no respect for personal trauma because their own world-spanning horrors have weighted the scale to a degree that makes the threshold for pain unreachable by anyone who hasn't been through the same kinds of hell. And they determine the worth and worthiness of what you have to say or what you're capable of doing based on calibrations they can't accurately measure you against, because you don't come from the same catastrophic status quo that they do."
“He thinks Shaw and Will would survive in his world.” He looks up at Neal from under his brow a little. “I told him that wasn’t a compliment,” he adds with a hint of an impish smile.
Neal snorts quietly, rubs the bridge of his nose to try and stave off a headache, then carries the tea over to Malcolm and gestures toward the couch. He can't imagine that statement from Malcolm landed well, and he can't blame Jesus if he took it badly. ...Neal is just feeling vindictive enough right now that he doesn't especially care.
“One was good and one was bad for a reason. Jesus wasn’t actually sorry. Well, he said he was only sorry for ‘hurting me’ and maybe that’s true to a point, but I think he was feeling out whether I’d changed my stance. But he had my stance wrong and, even though I explained it, it was like talking to Shaw. So.” He shrugs and takes a sip of his tea.
Neal makes a quiet, aggravated noise. "It sounds like his 'I'm sorry for hurting you' is about one step up from 'I'm sorry you feel that way,' which isn't saying much."
"Yeah, it was like... I'm sorry that what I said hurt you, but I'm not sorry for what I said. And he kept saying that was because he wasn't going to apologize for prioritizing Will. Like I don't care about Will. Like I'm inflicting myself on him and if he had a say I wouldn't be around so much so he can sort himself out."
"Exactly!" Malcolm says, shifting in his seat a little to face him, almost spilling tea in his enthusiasm but catching it. "Exactly! Like because he's an inmate, I can tell him what to do or something. He kept bringing that up, how he's an inmate and what he needs to do to graduate should be our priority, like it's not, for one thing, but also... how do you know what an inmate needs to graduate if you don't listen to what an inmate wants or needs when they tell you? I was over there the night before... the day from Hell because Will called me and asked me to come. Because he wanted me there when he was in distress. I didn't just... show up and start telling him how he should feel or something."
Neal remembers the only real arguments he had with Malcolm, like the bad-weather ache of an old wound.
"That's a fast track to an inmate not wanting to listen to anything you say. And the more you tell them that they don't know what they need, the angrier and more resistant it's going to make them. Even if what they say they need isn't what you, personally, think they should have, there's boundaries--" like refusing to give Kendall drugs "--and there's arrogance."
Like assuming a grown adult, regardless of inmate status, can't express who they want to have as a partner.
"Exactly. Exactly. I wouldn't give a murderer his favourite weapon or anything, but... I was trying to explain to Shaw when she compared sitting on Will 24 hours a day to me with Kikimora, when she was staying with me. I was like... she has private rooms and she can have visitors if she wants. I don't watch every single thing she does all day. I don't read her messages." He pauses. "I never read your messages either. It feels... like crossing a boundary. Inmates should be able to have friends and lovers and have those connections for themselves. You know... some of the inmates with the worst tendencies to violence come from places where they don't have support systems. And some of the Wardens with the most... heavyhanded tactics come from places where they don't have support systems and don't understand the psychological value of that. Of... having people love you."
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King of Stubborn.
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"...Why, did he accuse you of gross negligence of your responsibilities again and then add that he could have phrased it better, or just say 'I'm sorry you felt that way'?"
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"Arrogant, self-righteous, demeaning son of a-- Wouldn't survive in his-- I swear, 80% of this ship has no respect for personal trauma because their own world-spanning horrors have weighted the scale to a degree that makes the threshold for pain unreachable by anyone who hasn't been through the same kinds of hell. And they determine the worth and worthiness of what you have to say or what you're capable of doing based on calibrations they can't accurately measure you against, because you don't come from the same catastrophic status quo that they do."
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"So one good apology, one bad."
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Malcolm joins him on the couch, taking his cup.
“One was good and one was bad for a reason. Jesus wasn’t actually sorry. Well, he said he was only sorry for ‘hurting me’ and maybe that’s true to a point, but I think he was feeling out whether I’d changed my stance. But he had my stance wrong and, even though I explained it, it was like talking to Shaw. So.” He shrugs and takes a sip of his tea.
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"As though Will doesn't have the autonomy to decide who he wants in his life." There's a heavy layer of disapproval in the words.
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"That's a fast track to an inmate not wanting to listen to anything you say. And the more you tell them that they don't know what they need, the angrier and more resistant it's going to make them. Even if what they say they need isn't what you, personally, think they should have, there's boundaries--" like refusing to give Kendall drugs "--and there's arrogance."
Like assuming a grown adult, regardless of inmate status, can't express who they want to have as a partner.
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