No, but the odds are too high and I love you too much. I let things that I didn't say poison the relationship I had with one of the first people in my life who thought I could be more than a thief. I'm not going to lose more family that way.
I'm just not used to this kind of fighting. Almost all of the people who have ever mattered to me, we've had massive, fundamental differences of opinion. We'd argue about it, but then we'd move on, you know? Neither of us cared that we didn't see eye to eye or that both of us thought the other was wrong. But you do, and I don't know what to do with that. It freaks me out, because I don't want to hurt you.
I'm not either. [It's a soft admission.] I never used to hold my ground with people I loved. Not for long. I was too scared they would leave me. If anything... that I can get angry with you, that I can disagree with you that much and know absolutely you're not going to walk away unless I tell you to? There's a level of trust there that I didn't know I was capable of having.
I've never had any bitterness towards you. Not even a little. I meant it when I told you that if you struggle with trust, that's okay, I don't mind. I'm not offended or whatever. But I'm not bitter, either, and that's a promise.
Whether we talk or not. I'm proud of you, brother.
I believe you. [He breathes a laugh.] I trust you. And I love you, so much. I think-- Look, we don't need to talk about what we fought about. But we do need to talk about why it happened. I already told you part of it, the way it felt like you were just... ignoring me, not disagreeing with me. Discounting my thoughts entirely instead of thinking I was wrong. I... don't like being ignored. I overreacted to it, to that part of it, because it was so... It...
[Neal sighs and goes to his wine rack to select a bottle from their last port.] It felt too much like something that would happen at home. It felt like...
[This is clearly the first time he's tried to take the emotion apart. The first time he's thought back and even noticed it was there.] It felt like all the times I tried to tell the truth and Peter didn't believe me, like the times I've... I've told people, straight out, that I don't want to be a con man or a thief or a liar any more and they ignore me because that's the person they need.
[None of that is exactly it, but he's talking himself to the center of it.]
...It felt like I was getting written off because I couldn't be useful. Like you were going to ignore my disagreements until I gave up on trying to get you to hear me, so I'd just accept what you said. I get that it wasn't that, I understand now that it was you not responding to something you didn't see the point in rehashing disagreement over. But in the moment it felt like you didn't care. And I'd never felt like you didn't care before.
You were wrong. [It's just as quiet, but implacable. He's not letting go of that certainty, even if he's not going to open up the can of worms around why right now.]
But-- I know that. That it's not about that.
[A half-drawn breath as he debates voicing what he's been thinking about since well before his latest bout of stasis.] I-- There's someone I want to ask, about their plans after the barge. About... if there's room in them for another person. But if there's not. I'm still not going home. The world thinks I'm dead anyway. I might as well take the chance to be someone I like with people I love.
[ROUND AND ROUND HE GOES. Neal makes an impatient noise at himself.] What I'm saying is, what I'm trying to say is, if your team has room for someone who's really bad at violence, it... could be fun.
You kidding? My boss is really bad at violence; he'd love you giving him backup on "Miss Shaw, don't shoot that guy". Norton could come too, if he wanted.
[SHE'S JUST MAKING A GUESS HERE, BUT SHE'S BETTING SHE'S RIGHT]
We've talked about it. I definitely can travel with him, I want to, and he'd love for me to come with, but I... I want... a home. And he doesn't, really. He's not opposed, but he doesn't want one.
[Ah, okay - then she's wrong, and there's a third person in the equation. Malcolm is her second guess, but-- she decides to stop guessing out loud. It's not the point, and she doesn't want to make him feel needled.]
For the record, I can't imagine somebody who cares about you not having room for you.
But if your first choice says no, I'm always going to be open as a fallback, okay?
There's not a lot to tell? [He doesn't sound convinced even by his own words.] Former mentor dredged up sunken Nazi sub full of plundered art, kidnapped me and some associates to help disable the leaky dynamite security measures left over from the 1940s, tried to kill us, didn't manage it, eventually the art got back where it needed to be. Mostly.
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Whether we talk or not. I'm proud of you, brother.
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[Neal sighs and goes to his wine rack to select a bottle from their last port.] It felt too much like something that would happen at home. It felt like...
[This is clearly the first time he's tried to take the emotion apart. The first time he's thought back and even noticed it was there.] It felt like all the times I tried to tell the truth and Peter didn't believe me, like the times I've... I've told people, straight out, that I don't want to be a con man or a thief or a liar any more and they ignore me because that's the person they need.
[None of that is exactly it, but he's talking himself to the center of it.]
...It felt like I was getting written off because I couldn't be useful. Like you were going to ignore my disagreements until I gave up on trying to get you to hear me, so I'd just accept what you said. I get that it wasn't that, I understand now that it was you not responding to something you didn't see the point in rehashing disagreement over. But in the moment it felt like you didn't care. And I'd never felt like you didn't care before.
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[She says it quietly, and a little cautiously.]
But. Your use to me isn't why you matter to me.
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But-- I know that. That it's not about that.
[A half-drawn breath as he debates voicing what he's been thinking about since well before his latest bout of stasis.] I-- There's someone I want to ask, about their plans after the barge. About... if there's room in them for another person. But if there's not. I'm still not going home. The world thinks I'm dead anyway. I might as well take the chance to be someone I like with people I love.
[ROUND AND ROUND HE GOES. Neal makes an impatient noise at himself.] What I'm saying is, what I'm trying to say is, if your team has room for someone who's really bad at violence, it... could be fun.
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[SHE'S JUST MAKING A GUESS HERE, BUT SHE'S BETTING SHE'S RIGHT]
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He's going to travel. That's part of his deal with the Admiral, the ability to go anywhere, anywhen he wants.
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We've talked about it. I definitely can travel with him, I want to, and he'd love for me to come with, but I... I want... a home. And he doesn't, really. He's not opposed, but he doesn't want one.
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For the record, I can't imagine somebody who cares about you not having room for you.
But if your first choice says no, I'm always going to be open as a fallback, okay?
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[There's a nervousness in the namedrop, but there they are.]
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[If they were talking in person, she'd be shoving a companionable elbow into his ribs right about now.]
You gonna be a marshal?
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Jesus Christ, no. Absolutely not. Never.
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