There are a few things to respond to in that, but the unspoken one is the one that concerns him the most. He takes her hand and gives it a tiny squeeze.
"I just wouldn't be able to do that magical meditation thing he did, that's all," she says, shrugging. "Locking you in a room, yeah, maybe, but the rest? You might be stuck hating him forever. Better it doesn't get that far to begin with."
It's flippant, but with a note of truth behind it: even though she's making light of the situation, she still means the words themselves.
"No." He lifts a hand to cup her cheek. "Jesus Christ, no. I was pissed at you, sure. I wouldn't have been that mad if your opinion didn't matter to me. If you didn't matter to me. I never, never, never hated you."
Neal snorts, brief and undignified. "I mean, I just found out that my sister thought I hated her the one time we ever had a big fight, so that's... unpleasant, but I'll live. Have you thought that this whole time? That if we disagree on something, if I argue with you, it means I hate you?"
He won't say no to a voluntary Shake hug, even if it's clearly for his sake. He gives her a squeeze.
"He does mean a lot to me. So do you. And I hope if we had that kind of fight now I'd have the ability to explain that it wasn't even about him, at bottom, it was about--as I saw it at the time--someone I trust not trusting me. Which as you might recall was a bit of a flashpoint for me."
He weighs that question carefully before he answers. "I think it's always going to bother me. It hurts, it feels like failing. But I don't think it can break me the way it used to. I trust myself enough these days that I don't need it as much from anyone else."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
no subject
"I dunno, nothing. Whatever. I'm glad you're not gonna go protective guard dog on Eiffel; it would hurt him a lot."
no subject
"Sam. What is it?"
no subject
It's flippant, but with a note of truth behind it: even though she's making light of the situation, she still means the words themselves.
no subject
Finally, he manages, "Did you think I hated you?"
no subject
no subject
no subject
She doesn't pull away, but she does frown a little.
"Are you okay?"
no subject
no subject
She sighs, reaching out a hand and grabbing him by the shoulder (a little roughly, but she means well), trying to pull him into her.
"Hey, c'mere, you sappy nerd. It's okay. "
no subject
"He does mean a lot to me. So do you. And I hope if we had that kind of fight now I'd have the ability to explain that it wasn't even about him, at bottom, it was about--as I saw it at the time--someone I trust not trusting me. Which as you might recall was a bit of a flashpoint for me."
no subject
no subject
no subject
She won't say weaknesses: that's only a skip and a jump from calling Neal weak, which isn't what she means or how she thinks about him.
no subject
There's a small tease in there, but it's an itty bitty one. Neal gives Shaw an extra little hug. "Shall we go ambush our brother? I made cookies."
Whiskey-Bacon cookies with pecans and maple sugar, but why ruin the surprise.
no subject
N e a l.
no subject
Come on now.
no subject
She counts off each item on her fingers.
"Unless you already had the batter made. We're not working with month-and-a-half-old cookie batter, are we, Caffrey?"
no subject
no subject
Shaw pauses, gives his shoulder another pat, and then pushes away from him, hauling herself to her feet and offering him a hand up.
"Are we gonna ambush him, then?"
no subject
"Sounds good to me. Let me get a plate I don't mind never seeing again and we'll go."
no subject
You big sap, Neal.