TRAUMABEANS AU

[conning]

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[conning]

“You thought it could be because that’s the kind of person you are.”

Neal kisses his temple. “It’s one of the things that…”

He trails off a moment, studying Malcolm’s face. “It’s one of the things that I love.”

God, he wishes he didn’t feel so disconnected right now. Instead of answering Malcolm’s question, he asks one of his own. “What convinced you that you wouldn’t be a good parent?”

[abrightboy]

Malcolm looks at Neal oddly, like he doesn't understand how such an acutely smart person could miss something so obvious.

"Neal, I'm mentally ill."

[conning]

“So?” Neal closes his eyes a moment, remembering what he told Malcolm in that other place. “It takes more than some DSM classifications to make a bad parent.”

[abrightboy]

"Like erratic emotions? Hallucinations? Shaky hands? Screaming in the middle of the night?" Malcolm asks.

[conning]

Neal tilts his head, silent for a moment. “But what about those things makes you a bad parent? What about those things wouldn’t be helped by having a partner?”

[abrightboy]

Malcolm looks up at him for a long moment.

"Having a partner is helping," he acknowledges. He pauses. "Is... that something you.... think about?"

[conning]

Neal doesn’t realize Malcolm is looking at him. He has his eyes on their twined hands.

“I’ve always wanted kids,” he admits quietly. “I used to think about what it would be like to raise them in a place like New York, somewhere this vibrant and alive and creative.”

[abrightboy]

"And you really think... I'm a suitable partner for that?" he asks, like he can't quite believe it... but wants to.

[conning]

Neal finally looks at Malcolm’s face, surprised by the question for a moment. The surprise fades into a smile.

“I think we would be the most embarrassing parents any teenager ever had.”

[abrightboy]

Malcolm can't help smiling, but it's down at his shoes.

"In a good way?" he clarifies.

[conning]

"Not to them," Neal says teasingly. Gil pulls around the corner and stops at the curb, raising his eyebrows at them.

"We going or what?"

[abrightboy]

Malcolm's smile tips up a little more at Neal's answer and then Gil snaps him out of it. He slides into the back seat so he can sit with Neal, but he leans forward between the seats to talk to Gil.

"Did you ever think about whether you'd be a good father?" he asks.

[conning]

Gil looks back at him in surprise. "Where'd that come from?"

Not that he doesn't have an answer--he's curious what prompted the question in the first place.

[abrightboy]

"Just talking about the case. These people made their whole online presence about impending parenthood," Malcolm points out easily.

He leaves Neal out of this; people are already going to think they're going too fast.

[conning]

Neal blinks, but manages not to show his surprise over the ease of the lie. Malcolm really is a good liar when he's protecting someone else.

Gil pulls out into traffic, thinking it over. "I suppose so. I think everyone wonders at some point. Worries, if they're thinking about having kids."

He smiles at the rearview mirror. "Jackie and I didn't think we'd ever have any, but we didn't expect you."

[abrightboy]

Malcolm huffs a laugh.

"Nobody could have expected that," he concedes.

[conning]

"Best surprise I ever got saddled with," Gil says teasingly, and Neal smiles at Malcolm.

"He's definitely that."

[abrightboy]

"Well. I like to think I at least make a person's life more exciting," Malcolm blushes.

[conning]

"Better," Neal says firmly. He leans over to kiss Malcolm, not caring whether or not Gil wants a makeout session in the back of his borrowed car.

"Okay boys. Keep it PG in public, please."

[abrightboy]

"We're in a car," Malcolm points out, though he doesn't go back to that activity. He does keep his hand on Neal's knee.

At the mommy group, Malcolm walks alongside Gil, who shows his badge at the door. They're allowed in.

[conning]

Neal follows behind them, watching the other mothers, the nannies, the kids. Something about the way their interviewees talk gives Neal the crawls, like they've somehow disconnected from reality even more than he has.

He drifts over to the nannies instead, making small talk while Gil and Malcolm work their way through the moms, slowly getting absorbed into playing with the kids. Piggy back rides and airplanes and temporary baby duty while one of the nannies takes care of the baby in question's older sister. That's where Gil and Malcolm will find him when they're done talking to the last mom, in fact, bouncing a toddler on his hip and singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow quietly.

[abrightboy]

Malcolm is captivated for a moment, but snaps out of it as the nanny explains that those ladies were crazy. "Like, too crazy for Bravo, crazy."

He's still a little distracted through questionning, though, and as they walk outside, he falls back beside Neal.

"How did you get experience with babies?"

[conning]

Neal smiles down at his shoes. "Lots of babysitting when I was a teenager. I needed money to shark at a local pool hall, once I got tired of someone older taking a cut of everything I made. Then I just... found out I liked it."

He glances back toward the building, expression fond. "Kids... give them the chance, and they'll believe anything is possible. Give them the chance, a little encouragement, and stand back far enough..."

He shrugs and looks back down again. "To quote the Prom Queen of Soul, 'teach them well and let them lead the way.'"

[abrightboy]

“I bet that was fun.”

There was no way that Malcolm, in his youth, would have been trusted to dogsit, much less babysit. Another thing normal kids got to do that he could only press his face against the glass for.

“And gratifying, to be trusted with the responsibility. You must have been… mature.”

Because that was what he was told was required that he lacked. He wasn’t mature enough.

He fidgets faintly, realizes he’s doing it, and forces himself to stop.

[conning]

Neal takes Malcolm's hand as Gil unlocks his car, grumbling about the key fob and missing having a real key.

"What is it?" he says softly.