TRAUMABEANS AU

[conning]

boop

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[conning]

Dissociation.

“I don’t do that,” he says, a soft protest. “I know what you’re talking about. I…”

Does he? Is that what that is?

He sits up as well, fighting something that feels like shame.

“…I should really talk to your therapist, huh,” he says, trying to make it sound like a joke.

[abrightboy]

Malcolm shuffles over on his knees, reaching out to slide a hand up and down his arm.

“You can. But if you’re not ready, you can start by talking to me,” he points out. “When’s the last time that happened?”

[conning]

"When we go back to the city," Neal mumbles quietly. "I'll do it. Talk to her, I mean."

He shifts around to sit on the floor, cross-legged, watching Malcolm with a worry he can't explain but also can't shake. That sense that something is wrong, or is about to go wrong. "The last time..."

He doesn't have to think that hard about it. "When I went to see... someone I hadn't seen in a long time. To get that painting, the one that Kramer was after, right before the commutation hearing. When he caught me with it, before you and Sarah and Peter showed up. A little bit after."

[abrightboy]

“Tell me about the episode,” Malcolm urges gently, shifting position to mirror Neal’s. “What did you see and feel?”

[conning]

Neal hesitates. Not because he doesn't trust Malcolm--he trusts him totally, without reservation. He just isn't sure about what might happen if he really tries to think about that empty, floating place outside of himself.

"Kramer put the cuffs on me," Neal says softly, rubbing one wrist with his opposite hand. "I remember looking at him and thinking 'this is it,' and the world kind of... going bright, almost. Bright and quiet. You and Sarah came off the elevator with the head of her company, and Peter got there right after you, and..."

He frowns. "I don't remember it all, actually. Thinking about it now. I remember... you and Sarah telling Kramer that Sterling Bosch had hired me to authenticate the painting he said was stolen. Peter telling him that if the painting belonged to Sterling Bosch and if they'd hired me to authenticate it, he had no grounds to arrest me."

Neal rubs his wrist again, almost neurotically. "I don't think it really registered, what you all were doing. I was..."

His voice drifts off, his own focus sliding away from Malcolm as he remembers standing in the lobby, staring off into a corner of the building at the shadows gathering into a shape that had no face but he could feel it smiling anyway.

[abrightboy]

“You were what?” Malcolm prompts gently, taking his hand.

[conning]

“The Shadow Man was watching me,” Neal murmurs. “But that’s nothing new.”

[abrightboy]

“Do you think it was real?” he asks. “Do you think he was watching you from… wherever he… exists?”

[conning]

“I don’t know.” Neal shivers, then wraps both of his own hands around Malcolm’s. “I don’t want him to be, but I’m never sure any more. I was never sure to begin with, I guess.”

A breath of a glance at his overturned drawing and Neal shakes his head, lifting Malcolm’s hand to press the other man’s knuckles lightly against Neal’s own forehead. “I don’t want to bring that place to this one, though.”

[abrightboy]

“No. And I don’t want you to end up back there,” Malcolm says. “I promise you we’ll find a way to keep him at bay. I have some ideas for the next time you work on the drawing but… not today. You said you wanted to draw me today,” he reminds Neal with a shy smile.

[conning]

Neal smiles tentatively, his nerves a little fractured from the conversation and his own sleeplessness. “Yes I did. And you said you wanted to do their dawn yoga session.”

He leans forward to kiss Malcolm. “Which is soon, if it’s actually at sunrise.”

[abrightboy]

They aren’t going to defeat Neal’s demons by letting them stay hidden in the darkness they love. They have to drag them into the light when they rear their heads. But that’s enough for now. Malcolm smiles back.

“Grab your track pants,” he says, giving Neal’s thigh a light thwack with the back of his hand as he gets up to do the same.

[conning]

"Yessir," Neal says obediently, hauling himself to his feet and going to get as dressed as yoga requires.

[abrightboy]

After the class, Malcolm finds a big rock to sit on, on the way back up to the hotel. There's a view of the forest. He perches on it, looking over at Neal.

"What do you want for breakfast?"

[conning]

Neal studies him a moment, perched on the rock in the sun in sweat pants like some kind of tiny, unassuming guru.

It fits.

He sits down next to Malcolm, turning a little to kiss his temple. "What do you feel up for?"

[abrightboy]

Malcolm smiles and closes his eyes, tipping his face into the still golden early morning sunlight.

"Fresh fruit? Maybe some yogurt. Plain yogurt." He opens his eyes and looks at Neal. "Coffee," he adds with a grin. "Do you want to go to the dining room or order up to the room?"

[conning]

"The room," he says, and reaches up to stroke a fingertip across Malcolm's temple, pretending there's a bit of hair that needs brushing back. "I can figure out what kind of drawing I want to do."

[abrightboy]

Malcolm leans over and kisses him.

"In the room. You can tell me what you want me to wear."

He hops off the rock and heads up the trail. "I'll call for the room service. Do you want... croissants or something?"

[conning]

“What if I don’t want you to wear anything?” Neal says teasingly. He falls in beside Malcolm, enjoying the air, the sounds of the forest. He’s a little out of breath by the time they reach the resort building—he hasn’t put as much focus as he should on recouping the stamina he lost in Mathias. He’ll start work on that while they’re here.

“Nothing too heavy,” he says, catching Malcolm’s hand in his own. “I might stick to fruit and yogurt myself.”

[abrightboy]

"I mean, we are doing it in our room for a reason," he teases.

He decides to get croissants. He might have one later. He clutches Neal's hand.

"Are you going to add in some of the architecture around me?"

[conning]

"I could." He studies the building as they walk inside, clear appreciation of the space on his face. "I have to wonder what kind of hidden spots a building like this has. Servant halls, bootlegging tunnels... The amount of history that people probably don't even know is here could be unreal."

[abrightboy]

Malcolm looks over at him with an expression of excited mischief.

“We could look for them,” he suggests.

[conning]

Neal grins slowly as he realizes Malcolm is being sincere.

“Kitchens are always a good place to start hunting. Older buildings would use below-ground spaces as cold storage, and it was really easy to add tunnels and hidden areas to them with minimal extra chaos.”

[abrightboy]

“Now we know what we’re doing after dinner,” Malcolm tells him happily.

When they reach the room, he places the food order, then looks for Neal. “Where do you want me?” he asks.

[conning]

"With me," Neal says, a joke but also very much not one. He considers the room, the view, Malcolm.

He touches Malcolm's cheek, temple, studies his eyes. "If I weren't here, what would you be doing? If you were vacationing by yourself. Or if I was busy painting."