TRAUMABEANS AU

[conning]

boop

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[abrightboy]

"...I wanted to go home with him? I... liked him enough to leave my whole life behind for him?" Malcolm says with some surprise.

[conning]

Neal’s focus on Malcolm sharpens a little as his stomach does something clench-y that makes him want to throw up. What if Malcolm goes looking for Raylan now? What if he finds him, what if Raylan does remember—

“I wanted to go with you,” he says, like somehow if he says it with enough confidence it won’t be an insecure grab for attention.

[abrightboy]

That makes Malcolm smile. "And now you are with me," he points out. "Thank god." He hesitates, considers whether asking any more questions is... okay or not.

Neal brought it up, he decides.

"He couldn't have wanted me to go with him, though."

Okay, so it's not really a question. But how could there be two people who want him? He didn't think there was one.

[conning]

“He did,” Neal says reluctantly. “He just didn’t think it was actually possible.”

[abrightboy]

“So… why did I?” Malcolm asks, then looks at Neal and waves that off. “You don’t have to… you were trying to pay me a nice compliment not. Get into the saga of the other Malcolm and why he did things. I’m sorry. I. I’ve just never thought of myself as dad material. Who’d want me around their kids?”

[conning]

“You thought it could be because that’s the kind of person you are.”

Neal kisses his temple. “It’s one of the things that…”

He trails off a moment, studying Malcolm’s face. “It’s one of the things that I love.”

God, he wishes he didn’t feel so disconnected right now. Instead of answering Malcolm’s question, he asks one of his own. “What convinced you that you wouldn’t be a good parent?”

[abrightboy]

Malcolm looks at Neal oddly, like he doesn't understand how such an acutely smart person could miss something so obvious.

"Neal, I'm mentally ill."

[conning]

“So?” Neal closes his eyes a moment, remembering what he told Malcolm in that other place. “It takes more than some DSM classifications to make a bad parent.”

[abrightboy]

"Like erratic emotions? Hallucinations? Shaky hands? Screaming in the middle of the night?" Malcolm asks.

[conning]

Neal tilts his head, silent for a moment. “But what about those things makes you a bad parent? What about those things wouldn’t be helped by having a partner?”

[abrightboy]

Malcolm looks up at him for a long moment.

"Having a partner is helping," he acknowledges. He pauses. "Is... that something you.... think about?"

[conning]

Neal doesn’t realize Malcolm is looking at him. He has his eyes on their twined hands.

“I’ve always wanted kids,” he admits quietly. “I used to think about what it would be like to raise them in a place like New York, somewhere this vibrant and alive and creative.”

[abrightboy]

"And you really think... I'm a suitable partner for that?" he asks, like he can't quite believe it... but wants to.

[conning]

Neal finally looks at Malcolm’s face, surprised by the question for a moment. The surprise fades into a smile.

“I think we would be the most embarrassing parents any teenager ever had.”

[abrightboy]

Malcolm can't help smiling, but it's down at his shoes.

"In a good way?" he clarifies.

[conning]

"Not to them," Neal says teasingly. Gil pulls around the corner and stops at the curb, raising his eyebrows at them.

"We going or what?"

[abrightboy]

Malcolm's smile tips up a little more at Neal's answer and then Gil snaps him out of it. He slides into the back seat so he can sit with Neal, but he leans forward between the seats to talk to Gil.

"Did you ever think about whether you'd be a good father?" he asks.

[conning]

Gil looks back at him in surprise. "Where'd that come from?"

Not that he doesn't have an answer--he's curious what prompted the question in the first place.

[abrightboy]

"Just talking about the case. These people made their whole online presence about impending parenthood," Malcolm points out easily.

He leaves Neal out of this; people are already going to think they're going too fast.

[conning]

Neal blinks, but manages not to show his surprise over the ease of the lie. Malcolm really is a good liar when he's protecting someone else.

Gil pulls out into traffic, thinking it over. "I suppose so. I think everyone wonders at some point. Worries, if they're thinking about having kids."

He smiles at the rearview mirror. "Jackie and I didn't think we'd ever have any, but we didn't expect you."

[abrightboy]

Malcolm huffs a laugh.

"Nobody could have expected that," he concedes.

[conning]

"Best surprise I ever got saddled with," Gil says teasingly, and Neal smiles at Malcolm.

"He's definitely that."

[abrightboy]

"Well. I like to think I at least make a person's life more exciting," Malcolm blushes.

[conning]

"Better," Neal says firmly. He leans over to kiss Malcolm, not caring whether or not Gil wants a makeout session in the back of his borrowed car.

"Okay boys. Keep it PG in public, please."

[abrightboy]

"We're in a car," Malcolm points out, though he doesn't go back to that activity. He does keep his hand on Neal's knee.

At the mommy group, Malcolm walks alongside Gil, who shows his badge at the door. They're allowed in.