Malcolm’s reaction soothes Neal’s own nerves, making him feel just a little pleased with himself.
“I think so.” He teases a bit of hair back behind Malcolm’s ear with his fingertips, sinking a little deeper into the heat and soft pressure of the water. Apropos of nothing: “We should have brought the wine down.”
"Oh!" Malcolm turns and climbs half out of the warm, leaning over the stone deck and waving at someone just inside the sun room to get their attention.
"Hello! Can we get a bottle of..." He pauses and then looks at Neal for help. "What do we want a bottle of?" What pairs with 'hot tub'?
Neal grins. “A light, dry red with low alcohol content would—”
He trails off, looking past Malcolm to an old portrait on the wall, a black-and white group photo in front of the building under construction. Except he’s not seeing this building. He’s seeing the lodge, Mathias’s lodge, and the figures in the photo are a little too crisp, a little too real.
Malcolm looks at Neal with a faint frown and then, noticing the distance in his expression, unease. He looks back at the waiter. "Do you have something like that?"
"Sir," the waiter says, heading back inside to get the wine.
Malcolm slides back down into the water, watching Neal carefully for a moment.
Neal startles fractionally, blinking a few times as he orients on Malcolm. “I’m fine.”
Even though Malcolm hadn’t been questioning that. He makes himself focus on Malcolm’s face when what he wants to do (and doesn’t want to do) is look back at that picture and see if it’s changed.
Shame knots at Neal’s gut. He looks down at the simmering water, feeling like he’s tainting this trip already, somehow, bringing his damage into their safe retreat.
“Just a picture. A group photo. There were pictures all over town, group shots of people standing in front of this big old lodge. Raylan was obsessed with finding it.”
Once again Neal has that deja vu moment of you should know this, but he’s gotten good at hiding those. “For a while there was a gorge in the middle of town, keeping us all on one side. There was this fog, in the woods all around. If you tried to walk through it… there was a fear that just. Felt like it would kill you. And it it burned to breathe.”
He touches his throat lightly, remembering the night he woke up barefoot at the edge of the forest. “The lodge was in the woods, somewhere. Right before I left the fog lifted in a bunch of places, and a little before that the gorge disappeared.”
One of the people nearby, the same one who gave them a once-over before, seems to be listening with a mix of curiosity and judgmental confusion. Mercifully, Neal hasn’t noticed yet.
"I don't know," Neal mumbles. He reaches out to touch Malcolm lightly, focusing on the feeling of warm, damp skin. This safe place. "Sometimes I'm glad. Sometimes I want to know. Sometimes I don't want to remember any of it."
Neal shifts again so he's curled up against Malcolm on the hot spring's ledge seat, practically in the other man's lap. The t-shirt he's wearing feels heavy, more than it should with just water soaking the fabric, and he tries to ignore the feeling that he's going to get pulled under and held down if he's not careful.
"I've thought about it," he murmurs. He looks up, then, as the server approaches with their wine--two glasses and a bottle--and finds the woman in that chaise staring. His stomach clenches. Re-clenches. Does it ever unclench any more?
"Thank you," Malcolm tells the server, signing the chit and adding a considerable tip. He glances at the woman as the server leaves. "Sorry, did you want us to ask for a third glass?"
She looks hastily away. Malcolm turns back to Neal.
"Care to do the honours?" he asks, tilting his head at the bottle.
Neal keeps his focus on her for a moment, self-conscious and nervous, but Malcolm will always get Neal's attention when he wants it.
"Sure," he says, pouring out very precise measures of wine into each glass. Out of habit, he checks the label, makes a note to look up the winery--he's vaguely familiar, but not comfortably--before he sets it back down. He picks the glasses up and offers one to Malcolm.
“I haven’t really done anything,” Malcolm huffs gently. Not enough, anyway. Nothing that can really help. “But you’re welcome.” He tilts the rim of his glass against Neal’s with a quiet clink.
"You always say that, and it's never true." Neal kisses him lightly, then takes a sip of his wine, savoring the taste and sensation almost without meaning to. He can't help himself. The liquid in the glass shivers lightly as his fingers tremble. "...Do you think I should try it? ...Drawing things from... there?"
“I think it will help,” Malcolm tells him. “If you don’t confront that trauma, it will gain strength from lingering in the shadows at the back of your mind. You process the world through art. Drawing it, making it into dark, complicated pictures, can help you look at it with an analytical eye.”
He brushes his fingers against Malcolm's jaw, traces his fingers up into Malcolm's hair. "I could try."
A slow nod. He bites his lip, then breathes out a laugh. "I was about to say I didn't bring any supplies, but I feel like that's a pretty easy problem to solve."
"It is," Malcolm concedes. "If you want to get started while we're here. Maybe on the balcony, with the breeze in your hair," he says with a smile. "But if you want to wait until we get home, that's okay too."
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“I’m excited by the idea more than I’m nervous. That’s good, right?”
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“I think so.” He teases a bit of hair back behind Malcolm’s ear with his fingertips, sinking a little deeper into the heat and soft pressure of the water. Apropos of nothing: “We should have brought the wine down.”
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"Hello! Can we get a bottle of..." He pauses and then looks at Neal for help. "What do we want a bottle of?" What pairs with 'hot tub'?
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He trails off, looking past Malcolm to an old portrait on the wall, a black-and white group photo in front of the building under construction. Except he’s not seeing this building. He’s seeing the lodge, Mathias’s lodge, and the figures in the photo are a little too crisp, a little too real.
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"Sir," the waiter says, heading back inside to get the wine.
Malcolm slides back down into the water, watching Neal carefully for a moment.
"Neal?"
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Even though Malcolm hadn’t been questioning that. He makes himself focus on Malcolm’s face when what he wants to do (and doesn’t want to do) is look back at that picture and see if it’s changed.
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"What did you see?"
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“Just a picture. A group photo. There were pictures all over town, group shots of people standing in front of this big old lodge. Raylan was obsessed with finding it.”
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“He did. Right before I left. We couldn’t get to it, but he found it.”
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“I didn’t mean…” His voice trails off. He tries to recover. “Why did it take so long to find it? It was a pretty big building?”
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He touches his throat lightly, remembering the night he woke up barefoot at the edge of the forest. “The lodge was in the woods, somewhere. Right before I left the fog lifted in a bunch of places, and a little before that the gorge disappeared.”
One of the people nearby, the same one who gave them a once-over before, seems to be listening with a mix of curiosity and judgmental confusion. Mercifully, Neal hasn’t noticed yet.
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“Did finding it help at all?”
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"No," he says softly. "Nothing helped. Nothing we found ever helped. If it did anything, it made things worse."
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If he forgot it, he'd forget the other Malcolm. Would that be better for Malcolm or worse?
"Have you tried drawing things that you remember? To... purge them or process them?" he asks.
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"I've thought about it," he murmurs. He looks up, then, as the server approaches with their wine--two glasses and a bottle--and finds the woman in that chaise staring. His stomach clenches. Re-clenches. Does it ever unclench any more?
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She looks hastily away. Malcolm turns back to Neal.
"Care to do the honours?" he asks, tilting his head at the bottle.
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"Sure," he says, pouring out very precise measures of wine into each glass. Out of habit, he checks the label, makes a note to look up the winery--he's vaguely familiar, but not comfortably--before he sets it back down. He picks the glasses up and offers one to Malcolm.
"Thank you," Neal murmurs.
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A slow nod. He bites his lip, then breathes out a laugh. "I was about to say I didn't bring any supplies, but I feel like that's a pretty easy problem to solve."
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