TRAUMABEANS AU

[conning]

boop

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[abrightboy]

Malcolm nods. “Okay. Come on,” he says gently, still concerned but feeling better with Neal close too. He slides out of the car to lead the way into and through the precinct.

[conning]

Neal takes his hand before they go inside, recognizing in a distant kind of way that he's starting to get almost dependent on the contact. He should work on that, he needs to work on that, but right now the thought of trying to exhausts him.

They get to the conference room without incident, even though Neal is still half-braced for Kramer to appear from some corner. JT glances over as they come in, then goes back to fixing photos to the case board.

[abrightboy]

“I hate to say it,” JT tells them over his shoulder, “but the wife looks good for it.”

“Neither the mother nor the au pair present as killers,” Malcolm tells them. “But that’s the problem with a depraved heart; they might not seem like a killer. We need more information.”

[conning]

"Agreed," Gil grunts. "And we need to figure out motive. JT, take the husband--just because he was the vic doesn't mean he's innocent. Dani, you've got the the au pair. Malcolm, you and I... and Neal. Will talk to some of the other moms in this little Influencer circle."

Neal relaxes a little when Gil doesn't try to argue for him to leave.

[abrightboy]

"Great!" Malcolm exclaims. "Moms love me," he declares, leading the way out of the conference room confidently.

[conning]

Tired or not, unsettled or not, Neal can’t help smiling at Malcolm’s enthusiastic and guileless declaration. Gil raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t comment. Neal figures he can’t contradict Malcolm’s confidence.

They’re in front of the station, Neal still holding Malcolm’s hand, waiting for Gil to bring a car—not his car, he grumbles—around. Neal watches him walk away for a moment before he speaks, almost absently.

“I told you in Mathias that you’d be a good dad. You didn’t believe me, but it’s true.”

[abrightboy]

Malcolm looks at him with surprise.

"A good dad? What... how did that come up?" he asks, deflecting.

[conning]

“Raylan was going to have a daughter. Before… everything happened, you wanted to go home with him.”

Neal still sounds somewhat absent, and he can’t seem to get himself to hook back in. He closes his eyes, shakes his head, looks at Malcolm again. “You thought the best you could do was tutoring, and I said you were wrong.”

[abrightboy]

"...I wanted to go home with him? I... liked him enough to leave my whole life behind for him?" Malcolm says with some surprise.

[conning]

Neal’s focus on Malcolm sharpens a little as his stomach does something clench-y that makes him want to throw up. What if Malcolm goes looking for Raylan now? What if he finds him, what if Raylan does remember—

“I wanted to go with you,” he says, like somehow if he says it with enough confidence it won’t be an insecure grab for attention.

[abrightboy]

That makes Malcolm smile. "And now you are with me," he points out. "Thank god." He hesitates, considers whether asking any more questions is... okay or not.

Neal brought it up, he decides.

"He couldn't have wanted me to go with him, though."

Okay, so it's not really a question. But how could there be two people who want him? He didn't think there was one.

[conning]

“He did,” Neal says reluctantly. “He just didn’t think it was actually possible.”

[abrightboy]

“So… why did I?” Malcolm asks, then looks at Neal and waves that off. “You don’t have to… you were trying to pay me a nice compliment not. Get into the saga of the other Malcolm and why he did things. I’m sorry. I. I’ve just never thought of myself as dad material. Who’d want me around their kids?”

[conning]

“You thought it could be because that’s the kind of person you are.”

Neal kisses his temple. “It’s one of the things that…”

He trails off a moment, studying Malcolm’s face. “It’s one of the things that I love.”

God, he wishes he didn’t feel so disconnected right now. Instead of answering Malcolm’s question, he asks one of his own. “What convinced you that you wouldn’t be a good parent?”

[abrightboy]

Malcolm looks at Neal oddly, like he doesn't understand how such an acutely smart person could miss something so obvious.

"Neal, I'm mentally ill."

[conning]

“So?” Neal closes his eyes a moment, remembering what he told Malcolm in that other place. “It takes more than some DSM classifications to make a bad parent.”

[abrightboy]

"Like erratic emotions? Hallucinations? Shaky hands? Screaming in the middle of the night?" Malcolm asks.

[conning]

Neal tilts his head, silent for a moment. “But what about those things makes you a bad parent? What about those things wouldn’t be helped by having a partner?”

[abrightboy]

Malcolm looks up at him for a long moment.

"Having a partner is helping," he acknowledges. He pauses. "Is... that something you.... think about?"

[conning]

Neal doesn’t realize Malcolm is looking at him. He has his eyes on their twined hands.

“I’ve always wanted kids,” he admits quietly. “I used to think about what it would be like to raise them in a place like New York, somewhere this vibrant and alive and creative.”

[abrightboy]

"And you really think... I'm a suitable partner for that?" he asks, like he can't quite believe it... but wants to.

[conning]

Neal finally looks at Malcolm’s face, surprised by the question for a moment. The surprise fades into a smile.

“I think we would be the most embarrassing parents any teenager ever had.”

[abrightboy]

Malcolm can't help smiling, but it's down at his shoes.

"In a good way?" he clarifies.

[conning]

"Not to them," Neal says teasingly. Gil pulls around the corner and stops at the curb, raising his eyebrows at them.

"We going or what?"

[abrightboy]

Malcolm's smile tips up a little more at Neal's answer and then Gil snaps him out of it. He slides into the back seat so he can sit with Neal, but he leans forward between the seats to talk to Gil.

"Did you ever think about whether you'd be a good father?" he asks.