TRAUMABEANS AU

[conning]

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[conning]

Neal falls in next to Malcolm, automatically taking note of everything on their way to the nursery, pricing things out in his head and plotting escape routes. An automatic mental habit, a little bit of private entertainment.

He stops mid-mental-plan when they walk into the nursery and he sees the dead man's wife. The anonymous body suddenly given context. Neal falls back a step, letting Malcolm take the lead.

[abrightboy]

Gil asks the questions, but when the mother shakes her head, mentioning apologetically that she’s been in such a daze; baby brain, Malcolm leans forward faintly.

“That psychological haze is an adaptive reaction to help mothers bond with their newborns,” he explains softly. “It’s a cloud of love; nothing to be ashamed of.”

But there was little else the mother or au pair could tell them. They headed back to the precinct.

[conning]

Neal keeps his eyes on the cab window as they drive, not really seeing what's outside. A cloud of love. Did his mother feel that way with him? When it came out that his dad was a murderer, a cop killer... He murdered himself, Neal thinks absently, goosebumps prickling along his scalp.

He drags in a breath and shifts his attention to the interior of the cab, reaching for Malcolm's hand.

[abrightboy]

Malcolm is deep in thought about the case, but when Neal’s fingers find his, he looks over with a smile.

“Doing okay?” he asks.

[conning]

“Yeah,” he says softly. “Just thinking about my mom and dad I guess.”

[abrightboy]

“Want to talk about it?” Malcolm asks.

[conning]

He draws in a breath to say something, he's not sure what, then lets it go, shaking his head. "I don't know? I..."

Neal looks out the window for another moment. "Ever since I talked to Ellen--my aunt, the one who was hanging on to that painting for me. The one Kramer almost caught me with. Ever since I talked to her, I've... been thinking about them."

He leans against Malcolm heavily. "I think I'm just tired."

[abrightboy]

"You've been through a lot," Malcolm tells him. "Too much. And there aren't a lot of outlets to... purge it. Most people would think your story is crazy. You just... need to be patient with yourself, okay?" he advises.

[conning]

Too much. Neal can't argue and won't even try. He hasn't slept, really slept, since two days before the commutation. He was too nervous, and then Kramer sent him back to prison for a night. With Malcolm's own close call with the edge of the veranda, he's... tired. He's so tired. The commutation feels like a fever dream, still, and he'd swear there's an anklet chafing his skin.

It's probably not a surprise that he falls asleep on Malcolm's shoulder half-way to the precinct.

[abrightboy]

Malcolm puts his hand on Neal's knee until they arrive and he presses a kiss to his temple as the car stops.

"Neal," he says softly, giving his knee a squeeze.

[conning]

He's standing in the middle of Phillips Drive, the houses around him pristine. Pristine and empty. It's summer, maybe, or the very end of spring--either way there's an edge of crispy heat to the air.

A sound, something, gets Neal to turn around sharply, and in the half-second before he wakes up he would swear he sees Raylan walking toward him, dripping shadows.

Neal jerks sharply, fixing Malcolm with a wide-eyed look that doesn't quite register his face. Then he does. Forces himself to breathe a little easier. "Yeah. I'm. Yes."

He looks out the window, sees where they are, tries to get his head pulled back from the realism of that open street. "Right."

[abrightboy]

Malcolm doesn’t move to get put of the car yet. He’s watching Neal’s face.

“Are you okay? Do you want me to meet you back at your apartment? Maybe you should get some rest instead of pushing yourself.”

[conning]

Neal immediately shakes his head, the idea of going to sleep again without someone else--without Malcolm, specifically--making him feel queasy. "I'm good."

A blink. A tiny, crooked smile. "Exaggeration, but I'll be fine."

[abrightboy]

Malcolm nods. “Okay. Come on,” he says gently, still concerned but feeling better with Neal close too. He slides out of the car to lead the way into and through the precinct.

[conning]

Neal takes his hand before they go inside, recognizing in a distant kind of way that he's starting to get almost dependent on the contact. He should work on that, he needs to work on that, but right now the thought of trying to exhausts him.

They get to the conference room without incident, even though Neal is still half-braced for Kramer to appear from some corner. JT glances over as they come in, then goes back to fixing photos to the case board.

[abrightboy]

“I hate to say it,” JT tells them over his shoulder, “but the wife looks good for it.”

“Neither the mother nor the au pair present as killers,” Malcolm tells them. “But that’s the problem with a depraved heart; they might not seem like a killer. We need more information.”

[conning]

"Agreed," Gil grunts. "And we need to figure out motive. JT, take the husband--just because he was the vic doesn't mean he's innocent. Dani, you've got the the au pair. Malcolm, you and I... and Neal. Will talk to some of the other moms in this little Influencer circle."

Neal relaxes a little when Gil doesn't try to argue for him to leave.

[abrightboy]

"Great!" Malcolm exclaims. "Moms love me," he declares, leading the way out of the conference room confidently.

[conning]

Tired or not, unsettled or not, Neal can’t help smiling at Malcolm’s enthusiastic and guileless declaration. Gil raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t comment. Neal figures he can’t contradict Malcolm’s confidence.

They’re in front of the station, Neal still holding Malcolm’s hand, waiting for Gil to bring a car—not his car, he grumbles—around. Neal watches him walk away for a moment before he speaks, almost absently.

“I told you in Mathias that you’d be a good dad. You didn’t believe me, but it’s true.”

[abrightboy]

Malcolm looks at him with surprise.

"A good dad? What... how did that come up?" he asks, deflecting.

[conning]

“Raylan was going to have a daughter. Before… everything happened, you wanted to go home with him.”

Neal still sounds somewhat absent, and he can’t seem to get himself to hook back in. He closes his eyes, shakes his head, looks at Malcolm again. “You thought the best you could do was tutoring, and I said you were wrong.”

[abrightboy]

"...I wanted to go home with him? I... liked him enough to leave my whole life behind for him?" Malcolm says with some surprise.

[conning]

Neal’s focus on Malcolm sharpens a little as his stomach does something clench-y that makes him want to throw up. What if Malcolm goes looking for Raylan now? What if he finds him, what if Raylan does remember—

“I wanted to go with you,” he says, like somehow if he says it with enough confidence it won’t be an insecure grab for attention.

[abrightboy]

That makes Malcolm smile. "And now you are with me," he points out. "Thank god." He hesitates, considers whether asking any more questions is... okay or not.

Neal brought it up, he decides.

"He couldn't have wanted me to go with him, though."

Okay, so it's not really a question. But how could there be two people who want him? He didn't think there was one.

[conning]

“He did,” Neal says reluctantly. “He just didn’t think it was actually possible.”